WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
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Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
What if the weather talks about us?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth