[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.