Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
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When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.