It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
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You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner