Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
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ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.