[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
😏😏😏
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.