*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
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“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.