Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”