There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
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Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not