Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
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* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.