do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
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As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
The Others (2001)
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
so this horse walks into a bar
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Thinking about Jeff
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.