“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
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son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
😆this is so true
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
going to the ER y’all need anything
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.