I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
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WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think