Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
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I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
This came to me in a dream.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.