NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.