I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
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I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.