The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
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I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?