Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
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I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
2023 was just a warmup
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you