My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Tuesday
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.