Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
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Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.