If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
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ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
how was your vacation
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
waiting for halloween be like: