Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
just left a huge legacy in there
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store