In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
You Might Also Like
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
why I oughta
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
The cake is mightier than the sword.
wtf management?!
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”