For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
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Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.