When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
@ candidates for local office
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same