Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
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Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
When you kidnap a writer.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink