I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*