Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear