Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
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I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
“What?”
– Jude
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?