Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
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One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
asking santa clause for nudes
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot