judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
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I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..