if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
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[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
marvel comics have peaked
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Everyone’s family
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
August 8
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*