“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
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I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no