I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
You Might Also Like
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.