Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
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My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had