*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
#SCOTUS one-star review
And now we wait
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.