“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
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Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.