my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
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Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.