*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..