New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
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People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.