Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
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birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here