I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
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Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I know
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal