Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.