Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.