SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
You Might Also Like
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
My god she’s good.
How is it still this week?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Found my door mat
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
that’s really how it is
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.