ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
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Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
KFC hitting the cannibal market
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it