[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans