[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him