12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes