If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
You Might Also Like
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
moms in horror movies
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
socratic questions
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid